A Question of Relationships
Words make a difference. How we ask a question, describe or state something all impact the nature of our relationship with others. The old adage “Think before you speak” carries much wisdom, as does the biblical insight “Even a fool, when he keeps his silence, is considered wise.”
Three questions have allowed me to maneuver difficult management territory while preserving sometimes difficult relationships with other people.
Is it okay if I disagree with you about that?
Early in my career, I worked for a very strong, opinionated boss, known for his aggressiveness, arrogance and bluntness. Because it was very difficult to disagree with him, most people did not. But later, if he discovered that information had been withheld, he became even angrier, so the organization suffered from employee “shut down.”
After trying a variety of approaches, including yelling back, I settled on asking the question, “David, is it okay if I disagree with you about that?” I would pause for his response.
When he would say, “Okay,” or “You don’t need permission to disagree with me,” I knew I had struck gold. Today, I continue to use words that seek permission to disagree with persons who outrank me or have exceptionally strong opinions.
What do you think is (was) missing?
We, like our staff, have all made mistakes. And, in dealing with employees who have made an error in judgment or action, it is important to help them learn from the experience so the error is not repeated. Like “audit,” “biopsy” or “cancelled,” the word “wrong” causes a visceral response. Therefore, when addressing an error, resist the temptation to use questions like, “What went wrong with what you did?” “How did it go wrong?” or “Who screwed up?”
If the leader desires true learning, she must greatly reduce or avoid defensive reactions. For instance, she could avoid the more aversive words by asking, “Susan, what do you think was missing in your approach?” or “Susan, now that you reflect on your decision, what was missing in the process?” Susan’s response will likely be much more open and productive.
Can you help me understand that?
All of us experience circumstances that create the impulse to ask, “What the “#&%” is going on here?” Adding emotion to an already emotional situation doesn’t lead to problem solving or an accurate assessment of what might be occurring.
Perhaps you have encountered two or three employees engaging in “horse play.” The temptation to yell or accuse the participants of wrongdoing may be great (especially if you are in a bad mood). However, it is far better to address them with the question “Can you help me understand what’s going on here?” The employees will get the message, and you will get the outcome you desire—without the subsequent resentment.
Words do make a difference and so do the questions that we ask. Their power to change behavior is amazing. Let me know if these questions work for you.
